It’s mushy, flabby and not at all strong. I am convinced it is the reason d’etre for my lower back pain.

So. I’m working on it. In fact, I have a new contraption that I’m hoping will help. Its real name is The Core Plus Reformer, but I like to refer to it as my latest in a long line of torture devices.

Photo lovingly borrowed from Gaiam - Thank you!

You see. I also have a love/hate relationship with Pilates.

Don’t let that image fool you. I look nothing like that. In fact, I’m lucky if I don’t end up all twisted and stuck during the workout. But, I digress. Given my history with this form of core exercise, I’m actually quite happy with this one. The flower-shaped rubber band comes with a DVD containing 3 short workouts (10-12 minutes) for arms, legs and core. You can choose each one individually, or you can do them all in a row, which is how I’ve been doing them.

The instructions are clear and there is a nice lady (the only demonstrator in a long cami covering her middle. Curious?) in the back row who is doing it more to my level and speed. Though my biggest beef with all Pilates DVDs is that they’re usually loaded with demonstrators who look like they could kill you with one contraction of their ab muscles. It’s sadistic. They either want to impress you with how effective the workout is OR they want to make you feel totally shitty about your big, fat, flabby abs so that you’ll buy every DVD in their collection. Either way, this video has one demonstrator who isn’t quite as scary. I like to think that that she just returned from maternity leave, which is why she has suddenly dropped to my level. Whatever. It gets me through the workout.

Anyway. I find that when I can’t get to my normal Sunday morning core class (taught by an the awesomely spry, yet elderly Asian man) I can do this one in my living room and still get that tingly “I just worked my muscles” soreness in my core region.

Will it make me love my core? Doubtful, but if I’m not careful, it might just make it stronger.

When I wake up early (hell, when I wake up on time), I’m lucky if I can even stumble down the stairs into the kitchen and turn on the tea kettle. I prefer to sit quietly until my water boils and then sit quietly again while I steep my tea. I like to watch the birds eat. Usually I sit with a cat and watch them.

This allows me to fully wake up before I have to do anything more strenuous than sitting and drinking tea and watching animals. Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly well-rested, I will do yoga in the morning. But that’s about all I’ve got before 10am.

I really want to be one of those people who can wake up at 5:30 and work out for an hour and half before work. But I’m not.

Everything I’ve ever read says that other than some basic pros and cons, the right time to exercise is whichever time — day or night — allows you to be the most consistent.

And you know what? I do pretty well when I workout in the evening. Especially now that that we have the sun in the evenings and the temperature is getting warmer. I’ve pretty much resigned myself to this fact, but I’m curious. Can you work out in the morning? How do you do it?

What? Who are you freaking people?

You mean to tell me that you prefer the stench of old sweat to clean crisp air? That you’d rather hammer away on a treadmill like a rat on a wheel than encounter the neighborhood puppies and trees and weirdos that give your ‘hood its personality?

I just came in from a run in this gorgeous spring weather and I have to tell you, it was awesome. Well the burning lungs, the pounding heart and the thighs en fuego sucked. But the spring air was fabulous. I mean. How can you prefer the gym to that?

Honestly. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.

First, I have to applaud Inherent Health’s marketing department. The product packaging was neat and colorful. I have to pause here and remind you that I’m a packaging whore. I’m drawn to neat little bottles of lotions, pots of lip creme, and perfume, based SOLELY on the aesthetics of the bottles. But I digress.. back to my magic weight loss test. The instructions were clear and concise. A consent form written in regular English = happy Erin.

Bottom line, even I could understand what I needed to do.

I opened the tri-fold folder, registered my test online, signed away all responsibility and repercussions should anything go awry on the consent form, filled out my contact sheet and proceeded to swab my cheeks. They included a small envelope with two swab sticks and an envelope for easy return.

The swabby sticks resembled long mascara wands. I rinsed my mouth out with water and scratched the inside of my left cheek 20 times the first. I then took the second mascara wand and scratched the inside of my right cheek 20 times. Per the instructions, I let them both dry for 15 minutes. Once they were dry, I put them both into the biohazad envelope and sealed it up.

I gathered up my two documents and my little biohazard envelope, stuffed them inside the postage paid envelope and walked it to the mailbox. The entire process took about 10 minutes, not including the 15 minute dry time. Now I wait.

They say seven to ten days for the results. Until then, we twiddle our thumbs.

First of all, Mehmet, don’t fuck with my yoga pants. I’d live in them if I could. Thou Shall Not Chew Food Less Than 20 Times? Please. Clearly that also means I should prepare to read that for healthy hair I’m going to have to brush my hair 100 strokes before bed. Remember that gem?

I will say though, his list did make me think about my own ten commandments. I do have them. Since I’m fifteen pounds heavier than I should be, it’s a little too hypocritical of me to list my rules for weight loss, since clearly, I don’t have any. But I can reveal my Ten Commandments for Feeling Good, even if my scale doesn’t reflect it. When I’m feeling a bit “toxic” I tend to do the following to get back on track and at least feel better about life.

10. Thou Shall Not Eat Sugar in the Morning
If I eat sugar in the morning, I want it all day. It is possible that this is a unique part of my chemistry, and if I were a betting woman, I’d put money down that my genetic test is going to come back and tell me I’m carb-sensitive. As a general rule, I tend to avoid anything with maple syrup in the morning. Oddly, honey on my toast does not bother me in the same way.

9. Thou Shall Make Friends With the Gym
I hate the gym. I don’t hate working out, but just hate doing cardio inside. In the winter, I tend to have major debates in my head over the importance of this one, but ultimately, a good sweat fest will make you feel better almost immediately.

8. Thou Shall Limit the White Carbs
Another no brainer, really. If you’re feeling sluggish, stop putting the things in your body that sap your energy and plug you up. Choose whole grains for energy.

7. Thou Shall Choose Fish
Something about seafood makes me feel light. Plain and simple.

6. Thou Shall Recognize That Yogurt is Thy Friend
When I lived in Turkey, I ate thick, plain yogurt every day. The French, the Bulgarians and the Greeks also swear by it as a flat belly staple. Since my sister-in-law bought me a yogurt maker for my birthday, I’ve been a yogurt making fool. I make it with 2% milk, no sugar, and I strain it to make it thick. One bowl and I feel like a whole new person.

5. Thou Shall Exercise to Excellent Tunes
It’s easier to go longer and harder when you’re lost in the music in your head. It’s true. I have a SwimP3 for swimming (because oh my god, swimming is boring) and earbuds in my ear when I’m not running with the Scientist. (It’s impossible to listen to music with the Scientist. He yaks through the entire run!) It just helps.

4. Thou Shall Eat the Rainbow
When you pay attention to eating the colors of the rainbow throughout your day, it’s hard to eat crap. There’s just not enough room in your stomach.

3. Thou Shall Love the Tub
This is the ultimate stress-reliever for me. Scorching hot baths are murder on your skin, but they help me sleep. I will trade stock in body lotion for a good night’s sleep any day.

2. Thou Shall Count Fiber
Much like the rainbow thing, it’s hard to eat crap when your belly is full with the recommended 25-30 grams of fiber each day. And brightly colored foods count here too, so you get extra double goodness.

1. Thou Shall Drink A River
I have a hard time drinking enough water. When push comes to shove, I just prefer drinks that are bubbly. So when I’m feeling lousy, I make sure I drink at least 8 glasses of ice-cold water each day. I pee every ten minutes, but who knows, maybe that’s what makes me feel better.

I’m curious..do you have a “go-to” list that helps you feel better?

So lately I’ve been rethinking my multi-vitamin. Not just because of all the cancer, but because I’ve actually seen this suggestion before. The idea is that if you eat a varied diet of good grains, legumes, colorful fruits and veggies and lean meats, you’re probably getting most of the common vitamins in a multi. Add to that the fact that every day, I take Vitamin D, Calcium, Omega 3’s and Vitamin C, I’m likely getting all I need.

Given this, I’ve opted to treat my multi like insurance. On the days that I decide to eat a bowl of popcorn in lieu of dinner, I take the multi. On those days when I’ve been extra diligent about getting a variety of good-for-me foods, I plan on skipping it. At least until I find another article which contradicts this. Shouldn’t be too long.

Usually, I’m too busy to exercise on the road, especially when I’m on travel for a conference. This time, I packed clothes, running shoes and my yoga mat. I am proud to say that I did work out twice. I did yoga the first morning (brought a DVD to play in my laptop) and I walked for two hours last night, which was amazing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the ever elusive myth of work/life balance and it occurs to me that, like most things in life, it’s really about discipline. I whine and lament that I don’t have enough time to take care of myself. But truthfully, I’d have a lot more time each day if I stopped watching NCIS reruns and did something else. The truth is, watching NCIS is easy. Getting back in shape is not.

So I’m going to try to be more diligent about how I do this. And I think that taking baby steps is the right way to go. It’s unlikely that I’ll stop traveling anytime soon. I am, after all, in the decade where my career begins to take up more and more of my life — well beyond the 40 hours I’m expected to work. So I figure, that when I travel,

• moving, even a little bit, is as important as the job I’m there to do;
• I should get enough sleep;
• and I should really try (and this one is the hardest for me) to eat like I would eat at home, as much as possible.

None of these ideas are revolutionary, but they are important. Anyone have any other tips? Cuz I’m taking them!

First, the dreaded numbers. Since entering my 30s four years ago, I’ve been steadily creeping farther and farther away from my happy weight. I’m only 5′4″ and I have the frame size of an elf, so I should be much smaller than I am. I’d like to get back down to my happy weight, which, if memory serves, fluctuates between 125 and 129. I feel best here. I sleep better and when I run, I run without pain. Fifteen pounds of additional weight can seem like 60 pounding down on your joints when you run.

Since this exercise isn’t so much about weight loss as it is about eliminating my belly fat and making for healthier habits based on what my body will naturally react to, I should discuss my waist. Dr. Oz says that a waist circumference below 32″ is preferable for women. I don’t remember what my waist size was when I was at my happy weight. I actually don’t think I ever measured it before.

Two years ago, when I got my physical, my overall cholesterol was too high. My HDL was really high as well, which was good, but since my LDL was 13 points above the normal range, I’d like to get that down as well.

I’d like to have it checked so that I can get updated numbers. I suppose that is something for my to-do list.

On the day-to-day, I promise I’ll spare you the ins and outs of what I’m eating in any given day. I know you have no interest in that, but I’ll likely keep a food diary, just to keep track. Once I’m in the midst of following whichever plan the genetic geniuses say suits me best, I’ll post a couple days of typical meals for me, just for reference. The whole purpose of this isn’t just to follow a “diet” per se, but to come up with a food lifestyle that suits me. So I’ll record the ins and outs of that process.

I should also note that this year, I decided I was going to start running in earnest again. I’m even planning on running a 10K in June and a 10-miler in October. I’ll plan on posting a typical week’s worth of exercise, also for reference.

Now. What am I missing?

Let me back up. First I have to tell you a story so that you can comprehend how major this is.

In 2001, my husband and I were pseudo-dating. (Yes, I know.. I promise I’ll tell you all about later.) So, anyway, after watching Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and during the post-movie frozen custard, we started a yelling match respectfully debating genetic engineering. He went on and on about the wonders of modern science. I believe at the time I found it disgusting that we’d bypass nature and genetically engineer human parts in a lab and could find no benevolent use for such nonsense. He dug his heels in for said scientific marvels and I did a little digging of my own against them. He challenged that if I ever lost an arm, I’d be extremely happy to have one grown for me in a petrie dish. I proclaimed that I’d rather go armless. That was the end of the date. We didn’t speak for 3 weeks.

And nine years later, I bought a genetic test.

The husband and I, well we teeter on a delicate balance. He eats Lucky Charms and Ring Dings for breakfast and proceeds to drop weight, while I so much as look at a Drake’s and gain 5 pounds. He lives for this stuff and I try my hardest not to kill him because of it.

He says I’m just naturally overly sensitive to carbohydrates. As much as I hate to admit this, he might be right. And if our family histories are any indicator of future health, it seems I’ve been hit with a double whammy. Relatives on both sides of ye olde family oak have suffered weight-related illnesses in their golden years. It seems I’ve been blessed with the genetic propensity for belly fat. And I’m sure you read enough of the news to know that belly fat is the most dangerous kind.

So.

When I read a recent article in USA Today about this fancy new genetic test which can help you understand how your genes affect your weight, you might say, I was intrigued.

And so I did what every red-blooded American does when her interest is piqued. I Googled it. And wouldn’t you know it, they sell the genetic test. To non-lab types like me. So again, I did what every red-blooded American does and ordered it online.

It’ll be here in two days.

So this is my plan. I’m going to swab the inside of my cheek. Then I’ll send the test away for evaluation. I’ll wait the 7-10 days for the results, which will include a detailed report of which diet (low carb, low fat or low in both) should work best for me based on my unique genetic makeup. I will then proceed to follow said recommended diet with the goal of losing 15 pounds over the course of a year.

And I’ll document it all here. Will it work? Hell if I know. But it should make for one entertaining story, no?